Anger During Loss: Expectations vs. Reality For Healing

I don’t know anyone who has experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss that hasn’t felt angry at some point afterward. This can take on many forms depending on if you are angry with your body, angry with your spouse, angry with your doctors, angry with God, or just plain angry with yourself. Or you may not even know where the feeling of anger is coming from but you know that you are feeling it so intensely in your body that you can’t ignore it.

We don’t expect to feel angry during grief but this is often on the frontline of our emotions followed by many others like sadness, panic, hurt, and loneliness. If you’ve reached the point where you realize you will survive whatever happens next, you are probably also feeling pretty angry.

As intense as this moment might seem, anger is a good sign and a necessary part of the healing process. You may be surprised that you lived through a loss of that magnitude. You may be surprised that you are still here. You may be surprised that you are as angry as you are.

That’s okay.

Under your anger is pain. Deep pain that you may not know how to process or deal with.

The world expects you work your way to feeling better by eating something, drinking something, exercising until exhaustion, screaming as loud as you can, and so on.

I assure you, none of that is necessary for you to process your pain. The only thing you need to do is just to feel it. Don’t fight it. Really feel it. Really allow yourself to be angry and to be sad.

You don’t have to do anything but allow it to be there.

This will be the biggest difference with your grief experience. Choosing to process pain means that you are actually choosing to feel it. The world will tell you to push against it because we think it feels bad.

That’s not true.

When we allow ourselves to actually feel our pain all the way through, to sit with it and not respond with food or alcohol or spending money or social media, we can see how manageable it really is.

It is just a vibration in your body.

The world expects you to act on it but really, all you need to do is allow it to be there. Don’t resist it, react to it, or avoid it.

Just notice when it comes up and allow it to be there for you.

Anger is necessary for healing. Remind yourself of that in those moments when it surfaces.

Need help processing your pain? Book some time with me to help you on your healing journey for free. What have you got to lose?

Share this post

Free Resource

Infertility Mental Health Checklist

Managing your mental health during infertility can be a challenge. With this checklist, you’ll learn nine tools to help you get through the struggle with your sanity.