How Creativity Leads To Motherhood

Infertility took all of my creative energy out of me. I meant it. All of it. During the height of my negative emotions I felt like I had nothing left. I stopped pursuing every creative outlet I had. I stopped wanting to create anything. And that left me feeling even more defeated and disconnected with who I was.

Creativity isn’t something that we automatically link with our individual fertility, but it has profound impacts on how we get to motherhood. Let me explain.

If you are facing infertility or anything holding you back from motherhood, you have a problem to fix. Be it with your fertility, your finances, or your relationships – there is a problem that you are stuck on that needs to be solved. 

What happens most of the time is we want to outsource the role of problem solver to someone else. We look to our doctors, our employers, or our partners to have the answers and deliver them so that we can have the result we want. It sounds great upfront, but that tactic is going to lead you into more upset and frustration the longer you keep passing the responsibility elsewhere.

Instead, think of yourself as the perfect creative problem solver to figure this out. Yes, you will need help to get to your ultimate result. But, you (and only you) have the creative energy and power to make things happen in your life. No amount of outsourcing that responsibility is going to get you where you want to be. And if your goal is motherhood, you really want to master your role as problem solver for your future family. 

Your path to motherhood hinges on your ability to do so. It is relying on your creativity to happen.  

When I started investing in my own creative energy sources I realized the only way I would be able to create the family I had envisioned would be if I tapped into my own creative power. That is when things changed. 

I had to think differently to create different results in my life. This was hard to do at first after many years in the infertility trenches but once I found a coach that clicked with me, things started shifting. My life coach helped me access the thoughts I needed to become the master problem-solver of my life. 

That is when I was able to move forward and onto motherhood. 

No one else can get you to the goals you have for yourself in life but you can get there faster with the right combination of coaching and guidance. 

As a person that has dealt with infertility on the path to creating my family, much of what I thought about myself and my ability was shaped by what my reproductive system was able to do. So many life opportunities are being presented to you every day. Do you notice them? Are you looking for them? Are you using your creative energy to access them?

This is the foundation work for coaching. Download the Infertility Mental Health Checklist to start doing this work for yourself and accessing your creative energy.

Making Decisions About Joy

Joy

Infertility is the thief of joy. Or so it seams. The emotional pain of infertility cannot be denied. Investing so much of your heart and soul into the dream of having children is bound to feel raw when that vision isn’t fulfilled.

Emotional pain, also known as suffering, is something we know all too well if we’ve struggled with infertility. Thinking that this will be the month only to find out once our period arrives that it is not, comes with a kind of soul crushing weight that only deep dreams can press upon us. 

But are you willing to be in the space of suffering indefinitely? When there is no clear end in sight to the infertility road we end up being distressed travelers with every element of the process. We are consumed by actions caused by the emotional pain we’re wading through.

Worrying that you can’t control what is happening.

Fussing about what is happening.

Fretting about what might happen. 

The good news is that you don’t have to live in that space one minute longer than you want to. 

But you must choose to leave it behind. 

I know sometimes we want to carry the badge of our burdens and hardships. As if the number of years you’ve been trying to conceive will make a difference in the end.

It will not. 

What does matter is the amount of emotional pain you plan to put yourself through. Or rather, not put yourself through until you reach your goal. 

As part of your human experience you are meant to feel both joy and pain, in equal proportions throughout life. None of us, even those that don’t struggle with fertility, get by unscathed by those ratios. 

So with as much emotional pain as we put ourselves through with infertility, why are we choosing to leave so much joy on the table?

We think we are entitled to our suffering and that we must go through it. 

No. That is not true. 

As the saying goes: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Here’s my take on it. Anticipate the pain and learn to allow it. Your brain is going to offer up so many thoughts about everything you are going through which are going to lead to painful emotions. 

That’s okay. In fact, that’s good. It means your brain is operating correctly.

But here is where you have to step in and guide it. Your brain will want to live in the space of suffering indefinitely. You must actively choose to not let it stay there. You must learn how to recognize this and step in to put an end to it when it is going on. 

You have to befriend your own brain. I’m serious. You have to get to know it so well that you can anticipate what it is going to do, and then step in when you want it to do something differently. I know that sounds a little crazy, but it is true. You have to actively be the one guiding your thoughts to change your life and to make the decision about experiencing joy. It is the only way you will get there during infertility. 

Quarantined With Infertility: What Couples Need To Know

The world has been turned upside down the last few months due to the Coronavirus pandemic. If you are quarantined at home with your partner right now and also struggling with infertility, there are a few key things that will make this weird time in your relationship a bit easier to get through if you keep them in mind. 

No doubt you have already endured some extent of hard things together. Sharing the dream of starting a family together and then finding out it is harder than you thought is one of them. When you decided to embark on this life together “for better or worse”, it seems as though you’ve dealt with far more “worse” than “better.” Here are some key points to make sure you get through the quarantine without losing your connection with one another. 

This isn’t his fault. None of us are accustomed to wearing masks to the grocery store nor did we ever think that fertility treatment would be universally suspended all at once. It is easy to see this time filled with limits and barriers to the things we want. Everything we ever want is because of how we think it will make us feel when we have it. But if you understand that your thoughts create your feelings, and your thoughts are always your choice, you know that you can create any feeling you want to have right now. Security, love, hope, health, wellbeing, connection, etc. They are all accessible to you right now. You may not be able to have something physical that you want to possess, everything from extra TP to a baby, but the feeling that you think that thing will bring to you is accessible right now. 

You don’t need anything from him. This may come as a surprise because we are taught that other people make us feel happy… or sad … or loved. That sentiment is misguided and it is a good thing to understand this now before you end up stuck in the same small space for months on end. The only way to ever feel any emotion is to have a thought about it first. So feeling happy is completely dependent on a thought you create that will generate that emotion for you (not whether or not your husband actually picks up his socks and puts them in the hamper every night). Drop all expectations of him to make you feel a certain way. Now that you know that he can’t make you feel a certain way without you having a thought about it first.

Ask how he is feeling. While you may be running out of conversation topics for the everyday stuff, this question is sure to get a reaction that can help you understand each other better. Feelings are vibrations in our bodies caused by our thinking and we describe them using one world (elated, saddened, inquisitive, etc). What you are feeling is probably different than what he is feeling right now so ask him, straight up, “How are you feeling?” If he responds with a sentence that starts out, “I feel like…” he’s not giving you a feeling, rather a thought he’s having. That’s okay. See if he can sum it up in one word and that will usually help him drill down to the feeling level. Give him the opportunity to tell you. 

Give up the need to be right. Inevitably, some kind of conflict is likely to happen during the quarantine. In these situations we all want to be right so that we don’t have to face the negative emotions of being wrong. The only thing you have to gain or lose is a feeling. If you understand that, the need to be right seems less important and probably less worth arguing for in the end. 

Commit to love. Everything we do has the opportunity to create connection or push someone away from us. When you commit to loving your partner first and foremost through this time a few things are bound to happen. First, you can let go of so much more if love is your main objective and cultivate deeper feelings of love for one another. Lasting relationships happen when those involved treat it as a place they go to give, rather than a place to take. So committing to love and give that generously to your partner will feel so much better than withholding it for any reason. 

These are a few of the tools I use with my clients when it comes to up-leveling their relationships during infertility. Interested in more? Download the Infertility Mental Health Checklist now for more tools to help.