How To Overcome The Sucker Punch Of Infertility

Have you ever felt so terrible about your infertility experience that it literally took your breath away? Like everything in life was fine until you realized you can’t conceive on your own? No matter who you are, life is filled with these kinds of sucker punches where we feel powerless about everything that is happening. Because life isn’t sunshine and daisies 100% of the time, you are bound to experience them. Luckily there is a way to overcome them when they do happen.

Sucker punches happen when we don’t pay attention to what is going on in our minds. That terrible feeling you’re having is triggered by the story you are telling yourself about what is happening. Then those negative emotions surface and that is where the real trouble happens. Emotional pain sets in and we don’t know what to do with it. Instead, we start acting out to try to cover up what we’re feeling. This could be in the form of eating the entire box of Girl Scout cookies while watching all of Season 2 of The Office on Netflix in one sitting and posting a ranting status update about the latest disappointing news from your RE on Instagram.

Even though we can’t entirely avoid these sucker punches, they are, after all, part of the human experience, we can learn how to not feel so terrible about them. Here is what I recommend you do:

Acknowledge. First, acknowledge that it sucks. Infertility sucks and you don’t have to pretend that it doesn’t. Whatever situation you might be in, allow yourself to acknowledge that it isn’t pleasant.

Breath. Open up to the negative emotion by breathing and allowing it in. Emotions are just vibrations we feel in our bodies caused by our thinking. When you resist actually feeling negative emotions, they compound and become more intense.

Watch. Once you allow yourself to feel the negativity you can back up and watch what your brain is doing. Your thoughts are contributing to that icky feeling. What are you thinking that is causing it? You have power over everything you think and therefore every emotion you feel.

Ask. Dig deeper into understanding what your brain is doing. The best way to do this is to ask questions. Here are four questions I keep in my back pocket when I’m struggling with something that sucks.

  • How can this make me stronger?
  • What can I learn from this experience?
  • How can I use this?
  • What do I want to create from this?

Questions are a good way for your brain to move beyond the sucker punch feeling. Your brain wants to figure it out, it wants to have an answer that makes sense. Your brain presented you with a problem but it is also capable of giving you the solution to the problem you’re facing.

Lastly, remember that if you are focused on the problem the sucker punch created, your attention will be drawn there and you’ll stay perpetually in the problem. Give your brain more time to come up with solutions rather than to be constantly focused on the problem. That is how you develop resilience and learn how tough you can be.

Need help moving beyond the sucker punch and becoming resilient in the face of infertility? Reach out to me for a free consultation to get started.

The #1 Emotion Holding You Back From Motherhood

Something is getting in your way from becoming a parent. You may think your body is the main thing holding you back from motherhood, but one emotion is guaranteed to stop you completely from having the baby you’ve always wanted. What is it?

Self-pity.

I see it over and over again with my clients. When you feel sorry for yourself and helpless in your situation, you are most likely experiencing self-pity. As it is defined, self-pity is “excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one’s troubles.” When was the last time you lamented over your infertility experience? Last month? Last week? Five minutes ago?

Thinking you are a victim of infertility will lead you to indulge in self-pity. If you think things should be different than they are, self-pity is sure to follow. Most likely you are feeling sorry for yourself and where you are at. How does that show up for you?

When you think infertility is happening to you, you open the door for self-pity to take hold. You are then living at the effect of your experience instead of deciding intentionally what the experience means to you. Infertility is an experience you are having in your life. It isn’t happening against you or intentionally for you to be miserable. However, when we indulge in self-pity, that is exactly what we are doing.

Self-pity becomes very clear when we try to compare our situation with the people we know. Your fertility experience is different than what your cousin, best friend, or co-worker is having. It is your experience to own.

If you are starting to feel sorry for yourself, you are contributing to our own suffering. When we feel that way we stop taking meaningful and purposeful action in our lives. We pity ourselves and lament over how hard things are. As a human living in the world today you are going to encounter hard things. For you, infertility happens to be one of those things. But the truth is that the harder your life is, the more you are going to learn about yourself along the way. The harder it is the more growth is possible for you. When you indulge in self-pity you are not making any progress towards your dream of motherhood. What are you doing instead? Just spinning your wheels and wasting time. Self-pity stops you from moving forward towards your goals.

So if you are experiencing infertility you have the opportunity to learn a lot about yourself as you work towards motherhood. The harder your life is the more growth is possible for you.  The harder it is, the more chances you have to see how strong you can be.

I don’t know anyone going through infertility that thinks their life is easy. It’s not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to be hard. Really hard. Even so, if today is hard, show up for what it has to offer you. Don’t pity yourself. Move forward, take action, and see what happens. You might be surprised at what is possible when you do.

Want help moving forward through infertility and onto motherhood? Let me help you.

How to Tackle Fertility Treatment Like A Boss

Fertility treatment can feel like a part-time job. The appointments, the schedules, the list of to-dos, all add up and can take a toll on you. How do you get through all of it and keep going, even when times are tough? Learn how to tackle it like the boss lady you are.

Hear me out on this. When we work for someone else, we are an employee. We rely on someone else to make the big decisions and to think of the big picture. We do our small part, collect our paycheck, and not think about it beyond what the day has in store.

But if navigating the fertility treatment world feels like a part-time job to you, you can’t go into it with the employee mentality. You must think about it as the boss. You are the CEO of your fertility outcome. The big decisions and the big picture all come back to you.

To be the boss, you have to own it. Own the process you are going through. Don’t seek out someone to blame for it. Own it for yourself. You have the power to make things happen, so step up to challenge and be willing to put yourself out there.

Don’t be afraid of telling other people what you need. This means being assertive for what is happening and aware of what is going on. You may need to remind the nurses to put in the order for your fertility prescriptions on time so that you don’t miss out this cycle. You may need to set up your own fertility meds calendar. You may need to request certain tests be done to help understand your diagnosis better. Ultimately it is about being proactive for what you want and not letting someone else make those decisions for you.

As the boss of your fertility treatment, you also get to decide how you want your body to be managed. You get to decide how your body is treated, not only under the care of your doctor but also when it is on your watch (i.e. what you choose to eat). As the CEO you are thinking about the big picture and the long game of your fertility, which comes down to making many, many small choices that add up to the greater end-game.

When you are in charge, you also get to fire people. Okay, okay, so you aren’t exactly saying it like that, but you can choose to no longer work with someone if it isn’t a good fit. Not connecting with your RE? Move on to another one. You get to decide who is on your team in this process. Don’t give that responsibility away to anyone else.

It isn’t easy to be the boss, but it will make a world of difference if you are as you navigate what is ahead. Are you ready to become the CEO of your fertility experience? Let me help you.

Five Ways to Stay Sane During the Holidays with Infertility

The holidays are stressful without the experience of infertility looming over you. Undoubtedly a friend or family member will point out how easy you have it because you don’t have kids to worry about. So what can you do to keep your sanity during the holidays while navigating infertility? Here are five of my best tips to make it through the next few weeks.

Don’t overcommit — only do as much as you feel up to. With the constant parties and social gatherings, make sure you aren’t overcommitted as the celebrations start to unfold. Overwhelm stems from thoughts about a packed schedule. Make sure you plan enough rest and relaxation time for yourself.

Modify your holiday schedule as you see fit. Holidays come with rituals, traditions, and routines that often seem like our entire schedule is planned out from mid-November to the end of the year. No one can make you do anything or attend any event you don’t want to. Make sure you modify your schedule as you need to this year to take care of you.

Give yourself permission to pass on invitations that make you uncomfortable. Allow yourself to say, “No, thank you.” to any invitation that comes your way. Even if it is an event you have always attended, it is okay to step away this year and not participate. Give yourself some grace.

Only go to those events that allow for a quick exit. If you are in the midst of fertility treatment and your schedule is up in the air it would be good to leave yourself a way out if you are not up for making merry with everyone. Tell people you appreciate the invitation and will let them know closer to the date if you can be there. Don’t get locked-in to events where your participation is critical.

Pay attention to what you eat and get your body moving. The holidays are often a time of overindulging with food and alcohol which can drastically impact your fertility goals. You may be emotionally navigating a lot during the holidays, but if you don’t take care of your body and pay attention to what you put into it, you are going to end up running the gauntlet of sugar stress all month long. If you are struggling with how to spend the actual holiday, find and activity you can do that gets your body moving and leaves you feeling good. This time can help you stay focused on the goals you have for yourself, your health, and your family.

Need help formulating a plan to get through the holidays successfully? Reach out to me and set up a time to talk.

The 3 Most Important Steps To Ending Infertility Limbo

I used to think that this is not my life. I am not one of those people. Infertility is not really happening to me.

During the height of our trying to conceive journey, I would think I was living in some kind of purgatory. From the moment we decided we wanted to have children in our lives until the day that dream could be realized, I thought we were in limbo. Time was suspended until we could pick up living again, this time with a baby in tow.

I would say things to myself like, “Oh, we will do that when we have a baby.” Or “We can’t do that until we have children of our own.” All of the sudden there were so many rules for life and, so I thought, many things that I couldn’t feel until we were parents.

I did all kinds of research, wanting to be prepared for when I got a positive pregnancy test. I knew the brand and model of the breast pump I would have and the prenatal yoga class I would attend. But month after month with each negative test I would put my life on hold and continue waiting for (what I thought was) my real life to begin.

It wasn’t until I realized a few key steps along the way that I could let go of the “infertility limbo” I had put myself in. This helped me immensely to move forward and continue living my life get unstuck.

Accept your journey. Living in denial about infertility will exacerbate the symptoms of emotional pain you are in. The more you resist it, the more pain you are likely to go through. Instead, accept that this is part of your family building process. It is okay. It doesn’t mean anything negative about you. It is just part of the process.

Stop comparing. Let go of comparing yourself to others with faster fertility journeys than yours. Every time you see a pregnancy announcement or a positive pregnancy test posted online, it does not mean that you are less than those other people. Their fertility process has nothing to do with your own. In short, stay in your own lane and focused on your own business. “Limbo” disappears when you do this.

Define your next step. If you are waiting around for something and not knowing what your next step is, it will feel as if you are waiting forever. At any point you are at in your fertility journey, define your next step. Even if it is something small like tomorrow you will track you temperature. Always know what you will do next and why you are choosing to do it. Owning your choices throughout this process will feel so much more empowering than thinking you have no control.

Need help getting out of your own infertility limbo? Schedule a free 25 minute strategy session and learn tools you can implement immediately.

How Close Are You To Your Future Self?

Throughout life we are always becoming someone. Every day offers us a new opportunity to figure out who that is. Most of the time we are too caught up thinking about who we are today and even more so thinking about who we were yesterday than we are about thinking of the future.

But who is that future version of you? What does she have? Where does she live? How does she think? Because we are always on a a trajectory of becoming someone in life, it is significant to think about who we want that person to be. If you really look at it, how close are you to that future version of yourself now?

Your brain likes to think in terms of the past. What have you already achieved, where have you already been, what you’ve already done. It uses this information as evidence to makes decisions about what you are capable of in the future. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make when deciding what we can and cannot do.

Your past, no matter how difficult or troublesome, has no bearing on you now. I know that seems crazy but it is true because your past only exists in how you currently think about it. Nothing more.

The same is true about the future. It is only made up of the current thoughts you are having about it now. The difference though lies in the possibility. If you look to the past to decide what you are capable of you will find all kinds of limitations. But if you look to the future and think in terms of your future self, the possibilities are endless.

The truth is, no matter where you are today, you can create an incredible life ahead of you by living from your future, igniting your imagination, evoking your possibility, and living in inspiration. When you do this the world unfolds and your future self is there waiting for you to step into her.

Right now you are just one thought away from your future self. What is stopping you from becoming her?

If you need help becoming the future self you want to be, sign up for a strategy session to get some free direct help for your situation.

Don’t Let Infertility Get In the Way Of Your Joy

Where do you think your joy comes from? Is it your relationship? Your things? Your job? Does it come from food? Or validation from others? Or getting pregnant?

I promise you it comes from none of those things because joy is an emotion triggered by your thoughts. What you think about every day contributes to how much joy you do or do not have in your life.

Nothing else.

If you think things are awful all the time you’re likely to have fewer joy-filled moments than someone else who thinks more optimistically.

But we aren’t hard-wired to be joyful all of the time. The human experience is filled with challenging moments that are meant to be just that: challenging.

Take infertility for example. If we skipped and sang ourselves all the way to the fertility clinic every time, we might get a strange look from the nurses and doctors.

But many of us carry around negative thoughts about our infertility experience everywhere we go – the park, the grocery store, the dentist.

Okay, okay, so you don’t have to be joy-filled at the dentist either. But take a moment to recognize what you are letting yourself think when you are in those spaces. Does the negative emotion attached to your infertility struggle show up everywhere you go?

For most of is, it does. We let the experience of infertility cast a dark shadow over the rest of our life because we think it should.

I promise you, it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can be experiencing everything about infertility and still have joy in your life. You can be in the depths of the struggle and still smile and find things that make you laugh.

Life is 50/50. Half of the time it is going to feel awesome and half of the time it is going to suck. That is just how it is.

The difference comes with how you respond to the half that is awful. Do you drown your sorrows with alcohol? Do you eat all of the cookies in the package? Or do you learn how to feel and process your emotions before responding in a way that doesn’t serve you?

No matter what, you get to decide. Always.

Want help balancing the 50/50 of your life? Sign up for a free strategy session to experience coaching see what it is all about.

Getting Your Intuition Back On Track And Why It Matters For Infertility

How connected are you with your intuition? During infertility, it can seem as if our intuition has gone off the rails and we’re completely out of touch with what we want. After all, it is from our desires in life where we find our guidance to move forward. That is why it is more important than ever to get it back on track now as you navigate the challenges ahead.

Every person has intuition which is directed by their desires. From what we want, we determine where we’re supposed to go. Sometimes we mistakenly label negative thinking as intuition but it is not. Our thoughts of fear and doubt will manifest in our bodies as signs not to do something and if we are buried under our negative programming we will not be able to access what those true, real desires are.

To get our intuition back on track we have to clean up our negative thinking in order to access our true desires. This happens by identifying what are negative thoughts and emotions, and what is the truth. The more work you do to clean up your mind, the greater access you will have to what you truly want. The more you start living in line with deliberate thinking, the more you’re going to access and connect to yourself.

This is so important because the key to your intuition is really knowing yourself.  Start by spending time paying attention, accepting and then accessing your own wisdom. Spend time getting to know yourself so that you know what is the difference between negative thinking and intuition in your mind. The more connected you are with yourself the easier it will be to access your true desires and then go after them.

This will help you set your compass point and go after the goals that align with your vision for life. It will take all of the confusion out of your infertility experience and offer you clarity on what to do next.

Connecting with your intuition is a skill and one worth investing time into especially if you are facing fertility challenges. During infertility there are many moments where negative thinking will arise. If you listen to those thoughts and follow them, they will not be true to what your heart really wants.

Ready to clean up your thinking and access your true intention? Schedule a free strategy session with me to get started.

The Biggest Obstacle Thought On Your Way To Motherhood

If becoming a mother seems as impossible to you as climbing Everest, you are likely harboring some obstacle thoughts that aren’t serving you.

When mapping out the goals in your life, there is where you are now and where you want to be. The steps in between are where all of the growing takes place. If you are among the one in eight women who have a hard time getting pregnant, then your path to motherhood is likely going to look different than most people you know. That means you are going to have to show up differently to meet the challenge. You are going to have many small goals on the way to the big goal: motherhood.

As soon as we set any kind of goal in our minds, our brain will move in with thoughts to tell us why it won’t work. That’s its job. It will present all of the obstacles that stand in the way of you achieving that one thing you are after. These are obstacle thoughts. An obstacle thought is any thought that produces a result in contrast to what you want. They are good because they help us sort out the areas where our fear and doubt are hiding.

But the biggest obstacle thought I see my clients present over and over in many small situations with the “I can’t do this” mantra.

I can’t change the way I eat.

I can’t give myself a shot.

I can’t decide what to do next. 

I can’t do this.

Every sentence that begins with I can’t serves as an obstacle thought in your journey to motherhood. You need to look at that obstacle thought, see that it can be turned
into a strategy that then you can implement in terms of achieving your goal.

Rather than being a roadblock obstacle, every situation where that comes up can be turned into a strategy to overcome. Every obstacle is just a stepping stone to your goals. It is essentially the road map you need to follow to get the thing you are after.

You will always seek out more and more evidence to support an obstacle thought. Your brain will want to prove that it can’t do something because you are scared or doubtful about that one thing. Pay attention to when it does that and then recognize what is happening. It is meant to show you obstacles, but it is up to you to turn them into strategies to keep going.

Want help turning your “I can’t” thoughts into strategies on the way to your goal? Reach out to me for a free strategy session to get started.

What The World Would Be Like If Disenfranchised Grief Didn’t Exist

I never heard of the term “disenfranchised grief” before infertility. At first I was surprised by the fact that the world didn’t know how much emotional pain I was in day to day during that chapter of my life. Then, after living in it for years, I uncovered what it really meant to experience disenfranchised grief directly in our culture and what was needed to move beyond that to a place of healing and well-being.

Right now there are millions of people walking around in the world carrying grief we know nothing about. Dr. Kenneth Doka coined the term “disenfranchised grief” more than 20 years ago. According to his research it is classified as grief that people experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned.

In our culture this includes miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility.

There are millions of people who experience these things every day with a heavy emotional toll but it is not something we acknowledge on a wider scale in our society. When was the last time you saw a sympathy card that said, “I’m sorry about your infertility struggle”?

When we know our grief won’t be publicly accepted or understood we end up hiding it. We don’t share it with others because we have a deep fear of shame and alienation about it. As humans we are hard-wired for connection and don’t want to be different from the rest of the world. Because of this need, we know that these experiences set us apart and show that we are on a different path than most of our peers.

What does a world without disenfranchised grief look like? For starters, it begins with every person believing that the feelings and emotions they are having are valid and okay. It begins with people feeling comfortable to acknowledge their grief as their own and ask for what they need during that time. It begins with people being willing to talk.

So much of disenfranchised grief is perpetuated because people do not openly share their experiences when it comes to these very personal experiences. When we don’t talk about it we silently say that it doesn’t deserve the attention other types of grief are given.

The first step to living in a world where disenfranchised grief doesn’t exist is for you to own and acknowledge the emotional pain you are in, and to share that with those around you. We often seek out people who have had similar experiences to us because we think they understand what it is we are feeling. To help the world understand more about what you are grieving, you have to communicate about it, which means you can’t be hung-up by fear or shame.

Want to let go of your shame story that is keeping you in a continuous state of grief? Reach out to me and schedule a free strategy session for help.