7 Things No One Tells You About Infertility

There are certain truths no one tells you about infertility. Usually, it is because they haven’t discovered them yet so they can’t divulge the secrets. These are the seven things I discovered and wish someone had told me as I entered the infertility world.

  1. You will develop a stronger relationship with your husband because you’ll be asked and have to answer questions together most people in your circle of friends never have thought of (i.e. What will you do with extra embryos from IVF?).
  2. Your heart will burst 1000 times over with love when you think about your niece and nephew. Your love multiplies every time you see them. They remind you that no matter what babies lie ahead for you in the future, you are extremely grateful to have known these two people from the very beginning of their lives.
  3. You will marvel at pregnant bellies wondering who is the little soul in there. If you know the mama you will still ask if you can touch her belly to feel the baby move. The magic of it is always worth it.
  4. You will develop deep relationships with other women who are walking similar paths to parenthood as you. These bonds will be lifelong.
  5. You are grateful that your body withstood everything you presented it with – every appointment, shot, blood draw, procedure and medication you gave it. You love and care for it even more because you realize you are working in partnership with it in pursuit of conceiving your own baby, not against it.
  6. You realize you are braver than you ever imagined and more capable than you ever believed. You’ve proven that to yourself dozens of times over on this journey.
  7. You end up believing all babies are miracles.

These are just a few of the truths I’ve uncovered. What truths do you have? Share them with me.

Mother Envy Ruins Relationships During Infertility

Mother envy is very real during infertility.

You know the feeling that comes up when you go out in a public place and see women carrying around small babies. Or when you flip through catalogs that tout images of smiling young families. Or any every time you go on social media.

Or even when the mother on aisle five is trying to control her screaming toddler, you think “I’d give anything to have that problem right now. I’d give anything to have a toddler. If I had gotten pregnant when I wanted to I would have a toddler by now.”

Parents of toddlers would probably think you were crazy if you wanted to trade places with them at that moment. When a two-year-old throws herself onto the ground because she has been denied something at the grocery store, that is not a wrath most would willingly volunteer to take.

Except you do because the sting of infertility is so sharp that any situation that involves a baby or small child immediately reminds you of your infertility. The mother envy bubbles up and you want exactly what that woman has and the way she has it. You have mother envy, regardless of the situation.

The screaming toddler in aisle five isn’t annoying to you like it is to many others in the store because your mind isn’t focused on that. Your mind is focused on your own problem, your own story. But you are seething with envy.

While you may pay for your groceries and walk out the door, the feeling of envy never really goes away. It is there the next time you see another mother and baby or flip through a family magazine, or scroll through Facebook.  You haven’t been able to shake it on your own but it is now ruining your relationship with your sister/best friend/ coworker who is newly pregnant.

I get it and I know how to get through it. Let me help you get over your mother envy and move on in your life. If you are ready to do that, talk to me about it.

Musings on Infertility Time

Are you operating on infertility time? You know, the perspective that comes along when trying to conceive.

“I’m running out of time. There isn’t enough time. Why can’t it happen faster?”

Sound familiar?

These were all things I said to myself when going through fertility treatment. I was always a planner and conscious of time. When we became part of the infertility world it seemed as if all the sudden I was keenly aware of every second of every day, particularly if I was waiting for anything fertility related.

I held on to the belief that I was running out of time pretty fiercely. With every cycle that passed my body was getting older and (I believed) less fertile. With every cycle that passed another friend, acquaintance, coworker or celebrity made the world sit up and take notice of their own fertility. I believed I was running out of time to participate. With every cycle that passed, it was becoming increasingly more urgent for me to get pregnant.

Experiencing infertility warps our sense of time. We used to be able to have an entire menstrual cycle go by without thinking much about it. Now, we agonize over every single day eagerly anticipating what stage is next with appointments, procedures and the long-anticipated pregnancy test at the end of it. Waiting. Always waiting.

But the agony of all of it is self-imposed. The most important thing to know about time is that it is relative. Our experience of it is dependent on how we think about it. Time just is. Our experience of it is all in how we interpret it.

Two weeks is always two weeks of time. Whether it is the longest fourteen days of your life is up to you.

Are you stuck in an infertility time trap? Let me help you out of it.

The Best Reason To Pursue Motherhood

What is the reason you want to become a mother?

Is it because you want to be pregnant?

Is it because you want to have the experience of giving birth?

Is it to have play dates in the park with your friends’ children?

Is it because you want Mothers Day to be more bearable?

Is it because you feel pressure from your family members to have a baby?

Is it because you want to be just like your own mother?

Is it because you want to be nothing like your own mother?

Is it because you believe other people will like you more? That you’ll fit in more?

Is it because you think you’ll feel more complete with a baby in your arms?

Or is it because that is the only way you think you will be happy again?

Whatever the reason is you want to become a mother, it is your reason. Each one of us will answer that question differently. The best reason to pursue motherhood is for the reason that resonates most with you.

But think about it for a minute. What is the reason you want to be a mother?

Write it down. Read it a few times.

Do you really like the reason you chose? Many times we follow pursuits in life without really understanding the reason we are going after them. We never stop ourselves long enough to check in and ask.

The biggest misconception I see about this is the idea that a baby will make us happy. Babies can’t make us happy. Only we can do that.

When we look for happiness in something outside of ourselves, we end up searching on a long road that is paved with disappointment. We forget that happiness never lies in something else. We always have the power to create our own happiness at any moment because we have power over our thoughts. Every minute of every day.

Need help figuring out your reason?  I can help you.